March 25, 2015 by positivelypeachie

First off, let me apologize for turning my blog into a “bitch space” I swear, the next post, will be nothing but positive things! Sorry guys, but thanks for sticking by anyway!

My #microblog monday post was me venting about my difficult experience “coming out of the closet”. But yesterday something happened to my poor sister that easily tops any lack of response to my infertility news…and makes me realize that as crummy as that made me feel, there are worse things.

My older sister had bariatric surgery in November at 411 lbs and is now down to 276 lbs. She looks amazing, she feels amazing, she has done so well and I’m so proud of her. She has truly conquered her food addiction, and has stuck to her diet so well. And it’s a tough diet – she will, literally, never have fatty, greasy, sugary, or salty foods again. They make her sick to her stomach. It’s great for her over all health, but not great for convenience or parties (no more cake!) – but it’s going to extend her life significantly and that is absolutely worth it.

One of her biggest issues before was fast food – which she loved. Even after her surgery she struggled when others ate fast food around her, or she could smell it, because the cravings didn’t go away with the surgery. It was really tough for her, and she deserves all the recognition for sticking this out. Not every one does – some people have the surgery and eat themselves sick until it stops making them sick and then end up in the same old boat they were before. But she has remained strong in her decision to get healthy. If you’ve never struggled with food or weight you may not get it – but coming from someone who has, quitting foods full of addictive chemicals is hard. Really hard.

Yesterday was her birthday, and my parents decided to bring home dinner to celebrate. You know what they chose? KFC and a cheesecake.

Food that not only can’t she eat, but she will never be able to eat them again. Food that she has worked SO HARD to get over. She was completely shocked, and managed to eat a couple pieces of the meat underneath the skin of a chicken breast before having to stop because she felt so sick. I think afterwards she was mostly hurt because it’s like they aren’t even trying to understand or support her.

The idea was nice – to bring her a birthday dinner because she had worked late and it was her birthday. The selection was horrible. What do you even do with that? She didn’t want to say anything because she was grateful they cared enough to try and do something for her birthday – but at the same time, it’s not a secret she can’t eat these things. They know it…they know she never will be able to eat them.

I just felt sad for her because they did not support her surgery either, and it seems like they still don’t really support her new lifestyle. And to dress it up and make it seem like a gift is even more confusing – because no one wants to be ungrateful. She knows she is lucky that they tried, and lucky to have parents and lucky to live in a world of conveniences. But they took something hurtful and put a big bow on it so she had no choice but to thank them and forever struggle with intentional lack of understanding about her condition now.

It’s just tough…and I feel for her, and I realize that although it hurt that no one acknowledged my infertility – it is a part of my life that I hope to overcome and move on from. This, for her, is something that will always be part of her life. And she will have moments like this one for the rest of her life. My problem is short lived…hers is permanent.

People are who they are…some are not willing to change and as much as that sucks, that’s just who they are. I am starting to realize that being mad at them for being themselves, or wishing for them to be different, or expecting them to change when they won’t, only hurts me. The lesson I’m learning is that the important thing is nurturing the relationships where there is room to grow, and accepting the ones where there isn’t. My sister and I are alike in one sense (actually in a couple, we ARE sisters, lol) – we’re both struggling with a life altering obstacle that our family is not willing to understand right now. Even if we can’t connect with them over it, at least we can connect with each other and that – on it’s own – is an incredible blessing.


3 thoughts on “Lessons

  1. Alissa S says:

    This happens to me when I go on a strict diet. I am forever trying to bring my weight down and it means being very diligent in avoiding many trigger foods. I get that for sure. I have to fight against the urges and the “oh just this once” mentality. It’s so much harder than many people realize who have never had to worry about significant weight gain. Those people are incredibly lucky they don’t have to watch every food they consume or avoid things they love. I am proud of your sister and her commitment. I’m sorry your parents didn’t think about what they were doing and that your sister had to feel ignored in her continual fight for health. You are a good sister for sticking by her. And also, infertility isn’t always temporary. Even after you succeed in a pregnancy and baby, IF follows you. I think it can be just as hard long-term. Don’t down play your own struggles.


  2. Moira says:

    Your sister is so lucky to have you! My sisters and I share an amazing bond that I will never take for granted. I agree with Alissa–don’t downplay your infertility. It is just as huge and unforgiving. I’m sorry you’re both having such a crappy week. Hugs!


  3. Mali says:

    Oh my goodness again. Sounds to me that your parents are just incapable of accepting anything that is out of the bounds of their experience? I hope that’s not offensive. It just seems they’re in denial – about your situation and your sister’s. Such denial is really hurtful, and they would probably be horrified if it was pointed out to them.

    Can you talk to them about your sister, and your sister about you? Or maybe it is as you say – all you can do is accept the relationship, and not expect them to behave otherwise. It’s a good reminder for me. I have occasionally pointed out to my mother issues about not being able to have children – we never really discussed it before then. I rarely say anything in front of one of my sisters, and it is never raised. I just have to accept it, and talk about it with the friends who do understand, in real life but mostly on-line.


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