:-(

4

April 2, 2015 by positivelypeachie

I wish I could give you the long story but I don’t have the energy… so here’s the short version.

I am 15 days late for my period. I have a ton of symptoms that I thought must mean I’m pregnant. I decided that since everything looked good, I would allow myself – for once – to indulge in dreaming about this. I planned an elaborate way to tell my Hubby which involved an Easter egg hunt on Sunday morning. I dreamed of sharing with our families on Easter…. I was certain I was pregnant. There were also a NUMBER of things happening that I took as a sign that I was definitely pregnant this time.

I have a lot of anxiety around pregnancy tests, so I was biding my time waiting until I was absolutely sure I was late enough that a test would be able to detect HCG. I took my first morning’s urine and peed on what I hoped was my LAST pregnancy test ever. I had such a good feeling about it. I’ve never been so sure that I was pregnant as I was this time. I woke up at 3 am and couldn’t get back to sleep so I decided to just do the test and get it over with.

And I was met with the same stark white pregnancy test as I have stared at more times than I care to admit. Always stark white.

I was stupid to let myself get carried away with making plans – how could I be so silly and careless.

Then, of course, there is to consider the symptoms I’ve been experiencing and my lack of period – and all signs point to (if not pregnancy) another ovarian cyst. My last ovarian cyst resulted in the loss of my right ovary and fallopian tube. Please, God, don’t let this be the same situation because I only have one ovary left.

I am emotional, and so sad. I shouldn’t be, because I never was pregnant, but I really, really thought this was it this time …. like, everything was checking out…. everything. I’ve never been so sure before. Gah, infertility can be so unfair sometimes, and PCOS just makes it worse because it plagues me with every pregnancy symptom in the book – and yet no pregnancy – like some cruel joke.

I’m sad and I’m very scared that I’m going to have another cyst (or something worse) because my symptoms are too significant to ignore. My Dr is closed for the Easter holiday, so I will likely pop into emerg tomorrow if this don’t get better. I’m afraid to leave it in case it kills off my ovary like the other one did.

I’m sorry I have nothing good to say today. I’m just so sad and so scared.

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4 thoughts on “:-(

  1. Alissa S says:

    Oh hon, I’m sorry. As a fellow PCOS’er I totally understand this pain. I think that is why I am SO hesitant to come off of BC again to try for another baby. I don’t want cysts or to go through this situation. Cysts don’t always take out an ovary though. I would definitely have it checked on as soon as possible, but it could just plague you for a bit and go away. If it helps, I went in for acupuncture after hearing about my cyst to ask them to “take care of it” and POOF it was gone in a week. I had never done acupuncture before that, but it seemed to work. Perhaps look into that soon?!

    Like

  2. Brianna says:

    I am so, so sorry 😦

    Like

  3. ms says:

    😦 Many hugs

    Like

  4. megsnyc says:

    Oh, Rach, I am so, so sorry. First of all, it is not remotely silly or foolish that you let yourself hope and dream. The fact that you let yourself makes you human. And honestly, if we approach our infertility with the foregone conclusion that nothing will work and we’ll never reach our goal then what’s the point of torturing ourselves at all. We must have hope, it’s what keeps us moving forward. I am praying that you don’t have a cyst, that this is just a terrible fluke month. I know when staring at another negative test it’s hard to remember why you’re putting yourself through this. You are going to be a mother some day. I don’t know what the path will be or when it will happen, but it will happen. I’m thinking of you and sending love.

    Like

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