November 30, 2015 by positivelypeachie
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I am in this delightfully confusing place of in between right now. It brings with it such immense joy, and yet consuming sorrow.
There are moments, so clear it’s as though someone else wrote them, when I am very much a mother:
- Pouring cereal for a toddler who wants only THIS much milk and not a millimeter more
- Filling the tub up with more toys than anyone could possibly need so he can play for 15 mins, stand up and proclaim that he’s done without having played with even half of them (but don’t forget even one!)
- Reading the same book for the umpteenth time to the sweetest boy who happily snuggles into my lap to hear it, and delights as though it is the first time at all the fun parts
- Fighting with a powerfully stubborn boy over tantrums, time outs and appropriate behaviour
- Loving him with every cell in my body, and wanting the best for him even if it will anger/upset him
Then there are these moments, just as clear as the first ones, where I am not a mother.
- There are no permanent, 24/7 mini inhabitants in our house (that aren’t furry)
- Our spare room is just that – a spare room
- I can read a couple novels a week – which I know most full time mothers don’t get the pleasure of
- There are no little stockings with the names of our children hanging by our fireplace this Christmas, nor will Santa be delivering toys
- Our family photos are two adults, and three dogs
- My house is quiet and clean as often as it’s not
- And perhaps the most profound… no one calls me mom
While I wouldn’t change the wonderful memories, and treasured moments with my nephews for anything in the world and I am so delighted to be able to experience this part time motherhood … I still long for the day I can be a full time mom and some times the part time experience makes me feel worse – not better – as I watch those boys rush into the arms of their mothers and am reminded that my own arms are empty.
There should be a name for an Aunt like me, who is a second mother to their nephews/nieces…who is caught in this delightful and dreadful in-between place where I am partially a mother, but not quite one. Half-mom? Sister-mom? Auntie-mom? I don’t know what it is, but it’s more than an Aunt (as some Aunts have no place in their nephews/nieces life, or little part in it) and less than a Mom…and I wish there was some word to acknowledge it…something better than infertile who wishes she were a mom.